Confession: I hate other people’s kids.
I know this sounds like a horrible thing to say but it’s the truth.
I love my own kids to death. Nieces, nephews, little cousins: love, love, love. Even my friends’ kids are pretty great too. But outside of that circle, ehhhhhhhh….
So I try to avoid activities involving large groups of kids like the plague. I imagine if I died and went to hell, it’d be a lot like Chuck E. Cheese.
But when your own kids turn about 6 or 7 they start getting invited to play dates or…even worse…birthday parties.
And that, boys and girls, is my predicament today. So here are my top 5 reasons why I hate kids’ birthday parties:
5) You don’t know anyone there.
You walk in. Hunt down the hostess who’s usually one of those annoying Mary Kay selling, pink Cadillac driving moms. You have to fake smile at a bunch of strangers. It’s all just so awkward.
4) There’s never anything healthy to eat.
Living in Miami means every party has an abundance of Cuban pastries and food. Those don’t ever come with a nutrition label. Trust me, I’ve looked. And they’re always ridiculously delicious. Oh the struggle.
3) You have to hear 5 different women discuss the complications of their pregnancy from 12 years ago.
The only strange women that have ever been appealing to me are the ones that slide down poles. I don’t want to hear about your vagina, stretch marks, or placenta ladies. Sorry.
2) Prying your kid out of the bounce house requires the jaws of life.
Even the best behaved kids go a little haywire at bday parties. They see their little friend Jimmy talks back to their mom so they think it’s cool to do it as well. And beating your kids in public is illegal so you’re left pleading with your grade schooler and giving them the “you’re in SO much trouble” face in front of all those judgmental moms, including Mrs. Mary Kay.
1) You’re missing your favorite college football team play.
Saturdays are made for brews and naps and college football. Instead you’re stuck with other people’s rotten kids.
But alas, making your own kids happy comes first. So you endure. Le sigh.
Happy Saturday, ya’ll. ::grumble grumble::
– D.A.