Being the oldest of 5 and the only girl has it’s perks: I never had to share my clothes or barbies, my brothers were never over-protective of me when I started dating, the threat of “my brothers will kick your ass!” works every time, and I’ve always got plenty of help when I need to move. But being the oldest and only girl also means I’m the one my brothers turn to when they’re in a bind, because my sisterly/motherly instinct doesn’t let me say no. So naturally, when my next-to-last youngest brother needed somewhere to crash for +/- 3 months to get back on his feet, I was the one he called first. “Sure“, I said, didn’t even hesitate to say yes. I knew I had the space, plus it meant a backup live-in babysitter. Not once did I stop to think about what co-habitating with my brother meant, since we hadn’t lived together in almost a decade.
Fast forward to today, a month after moving him in, and…I want to set all his things on fire.
Long term house guests start to get under your skin after a while and they may not even realize it. Here is a list of the most annoying things house guests do:
1. The battle of the bathroom.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT go in there at an inconvenient hour. From 6:00 a.m. until I leave the house the bathroom is off limits. I WILL go in there a million times. Don’t ever assume I’m done unless I’ve been out of the house for more than 15 minutes. Also, pick up your dirty laundry, wipe down the sink after you shave, mind my decorative towels, and for the love of God NEVER leave stray hair on the bar of soap. Then people wonder why women snap.
2. Borrowing my phone charger.
Me not being able to locate my charger when my phone is dying is guaranteed to send me into a frenzy. Don’t unplug it from where I last had it. And NEVER, EVER remove it from the house. I opened the doors of my home to you, the least you could do is respect my 4G!
3. Not refilling the water or kool-aid pitchers.
I live in Miami therefore, no matter what, IT’S ALWAYS HOT AS FUCK OUTSIDE. My first instinct when I get home is to gulp a tall glass of cold water to cool off from the unforgiving heat. Nothing makes me want to punch things more than an empty water pitcher sitting on the kitchen counter. And if you don’t bother making more kool aid after you drink it all you might as well kill yourself, because you’re dead to me anyway. Then I’m stuck drinking milk which is so, so wack.
4. Putting my things away where they don’t belong.
Like any single woman living on her own, I know where everything is in the house. Can opener: 2nd drawer on the right. Wine opener: drawer to the left of the stove. I don’t even have to look. I KNOW it’s there because I put it there. But all that changes when you have a house guest. They thoughtlessly decide that wine opener belongs in that drawer on the right instead like it’s all good. Well, when I want wine, it is definitely NOT all good. Wine bottle in one hand, scrambling through drawers with the other. It’s never cool. Never.
5. Using all but one capful of the laundry detergent.
For me, laundry day is about 3 days after I run out of socks. Sans house guest, I know my detergent is there when I need it. But how are you going to leave just ONE capful and not even pick some more up? What the fuck am I supposed to do with a single capful?! So stressful.
Folks, don’t be an unknowingly annoying or inconsiderate house guest. Even if you’re only staying at someone’s house for the weekend avoid all of these if you value your relationship with that person. You don’t wanna be known as “that” person. And as for my brother, I plan to handle it like any normal adult would: I’m tattling to mom.
Respect the crib, ya’ll.
– D.B.